Joe Biden’s election did nothing to change that

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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

A hictatorship is even more brutal than a dictatorship. At least in a dictatorship freedom is never more than one bullet away.

Students of history know, even Hitler was vulnerable to this one bullet theory. He escaped several assassination attempts, but there was always hope.

Under a hictatorship, though, like the United States, where an enormous body of country folk, rednecks, old-tyme religious types and unabashed white supremacists gets this absurd minority rule afforded by the electoral college and the Senate, freedom-loving people can only despair, because one bullet will do them no good at all.

True, there is one Hick-in-Chief at the moment, by the name of Mitch McConnell. But there’s the absolute power of the rural states doesn’t reside with Mitch McConnell. If Mitch wasn’t in charge, it would be someone else. …


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Wikipedia

NASCAR driver is claiming he didn’t intentionally draw a swastika on his toaster strudel

Truck Series driver Josh Reaume was punished by NASCAR this week with a temporary suspension for drawing a swastika on his toaster strudel and posting it on Snapchat.

Reaume says it was all an innocent mistake.

“What happened was, I made a toaster strudel, I put icing on it. I put icing on it arbitrarily. I was mindlessly putting icing on a toaster strudel thinking about how I was going to arrange to get my daughter to day care in the morning because that’s my responsibility and I was flying out to Phoenix the next day.

“When I was done, I took a picture, I wrote, ‘Snack time,’ and posted it to my Snapchat, which I had no idea it was even more than my immediate friend group. Now, shame on me for maybe not fully understanding SnapChat, and I don’t care to get on social media in the immediate future, but somebody obviously screen-shotted it or did something with it and pushed it to NASCAR. I don’t know what the image looks like.” …


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Photo by Zach Vessels on Unsplash

Post presidency, if Donald Trump is going to continue leading a cult of 70 million country folk in the red states, then he’s got to walk the walk. He can’t just hang around at Mira Lago playing golf. His followers don’t play golf. Well, they do play mini-golf. But they don’t hang around at country clubs. They hang around at evangelical churches.

Which reminds me, has Trump accepted Jesus into his heart yet? Doesn’t he need to be dunked in that river — yes, that same river that he hillbilly handfished in the other day?

Also, he needs to eat liver mush. …


Scientists explain why democracy will never work in America

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Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash

A lot of people have been gobsmacked by the last election results. After watching the republicans make a hash out of almost everything, Americans delivered them a near victory instead of the total repudiation they so obviously deserved. How could that happen, NPR-listening liberals wanted to know?

I mean, this time, we can’t blame the Russians. So who can we blame? Some people have suggesed social media, Fox News, the “Defund the Police” movement, socialism, AOC, etc.

Others thought that the election result pointed to something interesting about demographics, shrinking of white power, and the inevitable decline of that ethnic group while others emerge. …


Satire

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Photo by Jacob Morch on Unsplash

This is going to be a tricky mission, so we wanted to get the very best. That’s why we have reassembled the team that took out Osama Bin laden in 2011. It’s good to see you again guys.

Notice the recreation of the trespasser’s compound

Remember how helpful it was back in eleven when we had a recreation of Bin Laden’s compound on the base outside Kabul? Well, we’ve done it again. Take a look over there, that’s right, at that white house.

“Holy shit, Lieutenant, is that the White House?”

It certainly is, soldier. Follow me through here.

This is where the two helicopters will land

One will probably crash land and have to be blown up. Helicopters are prone to failure, especially American ones. But if by some miracle they both land successfully, proceed through here to the front door. …


We in blue states will have to withdraw from the union and form our own country — but what will we call it?

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Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

It is true, the Constitution allows state legislatures in states that “fail to make a choice” by popular election to instruct the electors to vote as they choose.

A disputed election result may or may not qualify as “failure to make a choice.” That is for constitutional scholars to debate. They say the term would definitely apply to a natural disaster like a hurricane on election day. And if this Trump sore losing isn’t a foul storm I don’t know what is.

But people in blue states need to get ready. We obviously cannot remain in a union which is no longer representative of the populated coastal liberal cities. …


Inventor Caracatus Potts unveils British version with an American accent

This is what it looked like, a driverless, cutting-edge drone that will make the downtown to airport run in twenty minutes when it takes an hour by car.

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Wikipedia

British version much more fun

Not to be caught napping in the race to transform the taxi industry into the stuff of science fiction dreams, at the white cliffs of Dover today the UK unveiled its prototype of a family-friendly, feel-good old car that makes you want to sing out loud.

“Our taxis will not have that soulless high tech look,” explained British inventor Caracatus Potts. “We’re going for something that says British tradition. And in case you’re wondering why I’m speaking in an American accent, that’s only because you assholes skewered me for my godawful British accent in Mary Poppins. Not gonna make that mistake again.”

Oh, you, pretty chitty chitty bang bang! Our fine four-fendered friend!


But now the celebration’s over, we need to prepare for the worst.

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Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

My heart responded so gladly to Biden’s speech, especially his brilliant lines about the partisan discord being “a choice”, not “ some mysterious force beyond our control.”

I turned off the TV and went happily to bed, thinking his speech was really going to usher in that more sedate, civilized time we all crave.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a start

“Appeasement!” I said out loud.

“Huh?” said my wife.

“The Nazis were a mysterious force beyond our control.,” said I. “They were not a choice! They were evil!”

“Go back to sleep.”

What is Appeasement?

In the late 30s British politician Neville Chamberlain thought he could stop Hitler’s aggression by appeasing him. …


Is that an obese turtle on its back flailing its arms in the hot sun?

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Image by Kamau360, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=22139629

Yes, I think it is an obese turtle on its back flailing its arms in the hot sun!

They were summoned here by Trump spiritual advisor Paula White to strike demonic confederacies that were attempting to steal the election.

But upon arrival to these shores, they spotted the turtle on its back, and were kind of surprised.

“We were more or less told that we’d be working for a force of good,” said one angel, from the African country of Botswana, who was understandably fatigued after the 27 hours of flapping his angel wings that it took to reach America. “But look at that orange headed turtle. …


The other 60 percent likely fell into a black hole beneath the laundry room

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Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

Scientists have long assumed that about 40 percent of the universe’s socks were missing, never having been detected after the laundry was done about 13 billion years ago.

Now, nerds from France’s National Center of Scientific Research (CNRS) say they have been located at last.

The study, published Friday in the journal Astronomy & Astrophysics, revealed the missing socks had fallen down into the three inch crack between the washer and the dryer.

“They were there the whole time,” said a French scientist, and the WH, as you know, are silent in French, so it sounded like this: “The ‘ole time.” …

About

Simon Black

This is not the Simon Black that you know. This is a different Simon Black. He does not work in your organization or live in your city.

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