Written by my dog, Maxter

Me on the woman’s lap. Pay no attention to the man. (photo courtesy of Spike I think)

Happy Days

by Maxter

The woman. She is in the backyard listening to the sounds of the insects with me. We like to dig in the ground together. I bury my bone in the ground with my nose. The woman she cannot use her nose to dig. Poor thing, she has to use a stick.

The two of us are warm in the sunshine. I am her baby. I am surprised because I don’t look like the woman. But it is true, I must have come out of her body because she tells me I am her baby. …

Rejoice, rejoice! We Have Learned Absolutely Nothing From The Pandemic and Life Is About to Become Exactly As Dumb As it Ever Was

Photo by Kenrick Mills on Unsplash

“Guests Sob With Joy, Cast Members Line Main Street Waving, City Of Anaheim Exults,” cries journalism, as Disneyland reopens after more than a year shut down.

And guess what! More good news for Disney and its stockholders! Soon movie theatres will be humming again. And people will pay fifteen bucks to watch unwatchable superhero movies!

Super de duper!!!


The airline industry is recovering too, yippee de dee!!! Yesterday I booked a flight back east four my family of four, and it started out costing two thousand bucks. I chose seats for all the flights. Suddenly my flight cost three thousand…

Photo by Paola Blašković on Unsplash

Wayne LaPierre went hunting elephants with his wife, who is also seen in this video. I am not sure exactly what he was trying to accomplish by kneeling down underneath the elephant’s ass, but newly released footage shows what happened to the poor NRA chief. Warning, graphic footage!

Luckily, LaPierre’s wife was able to pull his head out of the elephant’s ass. But the damage was done.

It may always have been the case, but now LaPierre officially has shit for brains.

Elephant shit.

And now, my favorite song, by my favorite group, Beirut. It is called “Elephant Gun.”

Brilliant art by author. And a photo from Unspash. And a Wikipedia pic of Pink.

Tonight’s April Pink supermoon might disappoint some diehard Pink fans, as she is going to try out some new material that will be unfamiliar to them.

Stars like to do that, we music fans know.

Still, when a superstar like Pink returns to the sky for her first concert since she became the moon, we do expect to hear our favorites.

I for one would really love to hear her sing “Don’t Let Me Get Me,” because now that she is the moon, that already confusing and a little forced connundrum will seem even more strange.

And as I’m walking…

Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash

We all love Taylor Swift and we all know she sings a catchy melody. But one Taylor song has been nothing short of hell for Joeseph Burton, Leeds, England, who has had the song stuck in his head since February 2019.

“This old Taylor Swift song came on the radio,” said Burton. “I was humming along. And I didn’t think anything of it.”

A few days later he realized the song was stuck in his head.

“It is a catchy melody,” says musicologist Stan Edwards. “What makes a melody catchy is movement from the dominant to the tonic. …

It was great. At first.

Photo by Artem Podrez from Pexels

“Ding dong!” I would say, and then: “UPS. I need a signature on this package.” Then I would pantomime giving my wife a pen, but instead I would give her my “package,” if you know what I mean.

“Hello,” I would say as the pizza delivery guy. “I believe you ordered this extra-large special.” Then I would show her my “extra-large special,” if you catch my drift.

Yeah, it wasn’t Stanislavsky over here at 33 Morning Glory Boulevard. I was really kind of phoning it in. I used more or less the same voice for every character, because I’m lazy.

Or just an alcoholic?

Photo by Kike Salazar N on Unsplash

It’s tough to know, isn’t it? I mean, think of these difficult questions:

— Do you really need a 375-dollar William Yeoward Crystal Adele Cocktail Shaker with Strainer?

Answer: Yes, because I can pawn that sucker and buy enough hooch to last me till the end of this bender.

Question: — Do you really care about your gin being infused with botanicals as well as a combination of other spices, including anise, angelica root and seed, orris root, licorice root, cinnamon, almond, cubeb, savory, or lime peel?

Answer: Um…you had me at gin…

Question: — Aren’t all Manhattans perfect?


To hell with the high road. Let’s call it like it is.


Unity shmunity!

My son was reading me some really hilarious conservative t-shirts from some website he found. I’m a commie bastard but these did give me a chuckle. And it made me think, our t-shirts suck. I blame Michele, she said when they go low, we go high. That’s the nice sentiment that got Trump elected once and almost twice. It’s time for us good guys to take the gloves off and really take the piss out of these fascist pigs that call themselves conservatives and violate the United States Congress with their putrid stench. Let’s let em have it, come on…

It’s no more Mr. Nice Guy for me when it comes to language.

Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash

I’m frankly tired of it — all these vagaries of proper English. Next time frickin Grammarly tells me to stick in a damn comma before the third and final member of a series, I’m gonna throw this god damned computer out the window, you hear me? Why? Three reasons — it’s stupid, wasteful and a pain in my ass. See? I didn’t put the Oxford comma there. Did it in any way inhibit the comprehension of that statement? Didn’t think so.

Also, afterwards.

This is what will happen “afterwards.”

That’s right motherfuckers, I’m leaving in the s and I’m typing afterwards. …

Simon Black

This is not the Simon Black that you know. This is a different Simon Black. He does not work in your organization or live in your city.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store