Finally a Coffee Shop For People Who Are Just Not That Trendy!

Photo by Almos Bechtold on Unsplash

Maybe you are one of those cool people who orders a double frappe half cafe triple creme whatever the fuck.

We don’t speak that language here at Folgers Fancy.

You’re not our avatar.

Our avatar is someone more down-to-earth, less of a poseur. Totally not a hipster.

Uncool people need a coffee shop too, you know.

That’s where Folgers Fancy comes in. This is what is known as blue water, among savvy marketing pros like us.

See, red water is where there are already sharks circling and they have started biting people and making them bleed. …


Best news I’ve read all week! Hooray!!!

Photo by Fitsum Admasu on Unsplash

Intense exercise increases the risk of motor neuron disease, say scientists.

“We have conclusively found that exercise is a risk factor for motor neuron disease”, Dr Johnathan Cooper-Knock, one of the researchers, said. “The numbers of high profile athletes affected with MND is not a coincidence.”

Alright! I’m running around the house screaming and yelling in celebration of this fantastic news. But I’m not, I want to repeat, not exercising.

Exercise, as formally defined by the AMA is “a fucking chore that fucking sucks.”

Running around the house yelling at the top of your lungs because you get to cancel…


Featuring Bay City Rollers, Milli Vannili, Rick Astley, and Jimmie Osmond — my childhood dream come true!

I’m a long way from NYC, but I am going to take a sweaty private jet across the country to get to NYC for this humid and extraordinary once-in-a-lifetime legendary event — the concert to mark the end of the pandemic.

What better opener than the Bay City Rollers?

S A T U R D A Y Night!

You have to read off each of the letters and then really stress the word Night, in case you never heard this wonderful anthem to party-party partying, 1970s style. No, I’m not gonna put a link, you lazy bastards. And anyway, music isn’t meant to be listened to on a tiny…


I’m stuck in his ass backwards trousers! Help!

Wikimedia

I tried to tell my boss The Donald that he was putting his trousers on backwards.

I mean, I could feel the zipper in my back, not in my front where I’m supposed to feel it. But the problem was, I don’t have a mouth and I can’t talk, so I couldn’t say anything.

Donald put his trousers on backwards.

I tried to tell my boss the Donald that his diaper was full and he needed to be changed.

I felt soppy and bloated and full and stinky. But I often feel that way. It’s not easy being Donald’s diaper. But the problem was, I don’t have a mouth and I can’t talk so I couldn’t say anything.

Donald filled his diaper.

I tried to tell my boss that his speech was stupid and calling Joe Biden the radical left is just ignorant.

Listening to these insane claims reminded me of listening to Nazi propaganda. If…


Reflections six months after taking my early retirement.

Photo by Usman Yousaf on Unsplash

Driving to work

I was going against traffic, that made it better, but yeah, there was always a major jam just getting onto the campus road. Sucked. Then there were campus police who actually gave me a ticket once for rolling a stop sign. Fuckers.

Parking

Why should I pay to park? Pay for the privilege of working for the man. I hated that. And there was never enough parking. I’d have to circle and circle and circle. Sucked.

Walking Across Campus

The parking lot was like ten minutes from my office. I was always late. This sucked. And there was always the chance of running into…


These seven heiresses are not only gorgeous, they never have to work a day in their life! Let’s look at them together!

We 99.9 percenters are fascinated with .1 percent, those few lucky individuals at the very top of the money heap. But the most fascinating of all are these seven billionairess daughters. They were born lovely and loaded. Wouldn’t it be great to hook up with one of these luscious princesses? We can dream, can’t we?

Lisa McDonalds

Photo by Gelmis Bartulis on Unsplash

Lisa, heiress to her father’s hundred billion dollar hamburger fortune, is, surprisingly, a vegetarian.

“I love McDonalds,” she demurs. “I get the salads. I would never eat a hamburger. And especially not a Big Mac. Why? Because I’m not gross, that’s why.”

Well, her fortune…


Might this be the first world problem of first world problems?

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Well, we’re finally catching up with friends now the pandemic is easing. So imagine this: you’re having dinner with your friends, and they let you know about their children’s plans now that high school is over. Some of them will be going off to state schools in the fall. Some to private universities. And some will be going to excellent schools with their own beaches, like UC Santa Barbara. God love them all.

You, however, have a little secret.

Your daughter just got accepted to Harvard.

Your daughter just got accepted to Harvard. That’s right. Harvard! Well, how the hell…


Life hacks that trick the universe into giving you the good stuff

Photo by Austin Chan on Unsplash

Yep, there are cheat codes for life, not just video games. They will unlock all kinds of secrets and your “health” and “bank account” and your “weaponry” will be immediately improved.

Not many people know about these cheat codes. But you are lucky. You clicked on this story. Be prepared for your life to change forever, you lucky dog.

Begin reading the list of cheat codes now.

It starts with this one.

1. Act like the universe likes you.

I know, it’s bullshit. Of course the universe doesn’t like you. The universe could give a shit about you. It doesn’t care either way.

Some people act like…


And other little known facts about the big box store

Photo by Omar Abascal on Unsplash

We all love Costco but do we really understand it? No! That’s what this article is about — giving up all those Costco’s secrets that you wish you knew but you don’t.

For instance, what about that Costco chicken? It tastes pretty unbelievable, right? But do you know why? Scroll on through this slide show with the ads that take forever to load and probably fill your computer with malware, and you will discover so much more about Costco than you ever dreamed of. Then you will have wasted a good 45 minutes to an hour — yes, that’s how…

Simon Black

This is not the Simon Black that you know. This is a different Simon Black. He does not work in your organization or live in your city.

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