It was a helluva lot cheaper and I got a longer ride. Reported by Gus Vandershitz.

Photo by Mark Williams on Unsplash

For some observers, watching those idiots float in the air for about four minutes was some sort of miracle to behold.

FOUR MINUTES?

Shit, for fifty bucks I got a full ten minutes of weightlessness at the Zero Gravity ride.

Oh, up on First Steps with Jeff and Co, I guess they got a little bored with the somersaults so then they started tossing the yellow golfball to one another.

I did that the other night at the mini golf on the 210 with Ernie, Debrah and Clyde. We was all drunk as skunks.

We threw the golf balls at…


Now that the first billionaire in space contest has been decided, we thought this would be a good follow-up.

Photo by Charl Folscher on Unsplash

We at The Haven are announcing the First Billionaire in a Barrel contest, effective today.

So get your barrels ready, you dumb billionaires, and throw yourself over Niagara Falls, because we regular people love to watch you risk life and limb with your daredevil deeds and your extreme hubris.

Bill Gates, Get in a Barrel!

Elon Musk, you’re not going to let Sergey Brinn or Mark Zuckerberg beat you over the falls, are you?

What kind of a billionaire are you? A chicken billionaire?

You know a true billionaire has balls a billion times bigger than a regular person, so prove it, huh?

Warren Buffet — You’re Too Old

And you somehow…


A sometimes a little goes a long way!

“man holding his head” by Corey Motta on Unsplash

Researchers are not so sure that little tiny bits of LDS actually lead to more creative thinking and higher employee satisfaction.

When Jordan Pillbright started microdosing the Church of Latter Day Saints at work, he didn’t tell his boss.

“I’m pretty sure that he would have fired me,” said Jordan. “He’s atheist, like a lot of tech people. And so am I, don’t get me wrong. God isn’t real. …


With its own set of laws and no way to block cookies

Photo by Alexander Shatov on Unsplash

Mark Zuckerberg has secret plans to form a black hole of your private information in a lab that will create a new universe with his name on every molecule, according to information leaked today.

The Zuckuverse, it will be called, and there is nothing so-called “privacy” advocates can do about it.

The Zuckuverse will be created near the current Silicon HQ, and will contain 700 apartments, a supermarket, hotel, new offices and new laws of physics in which Mark Zuckerberg, rather than showing up as a crazed megalomaniac, will appear in miniaturized form inside every molecule as a God.

“Forget…


Kept Trump speeches by his bed in South America, claims former staffer.

Photo by Library of Congress on Unsplash

“I love The Art of the Deal,” Adolph Hitler was reported to have said to some other ex-German landowners in an unnamed South American country, in files recently leaked from the CIA. “The Donald is so awesome!”

Some Hitler spokespeople have denied that the genocidal maniac and former dictator even owned a copy of The Art of The Deal.

“It’s fake news,” said Joseph Goebbels, who actually invented fake news, ironically, as Minister of Propaganda for the Third Reich and who currently works as sheep farmer in remote Patagonia. “Hitler voted for Hillary in 2016 and actually went for Kanye…


Dear Manny The Mansplainer

I don’t understand — aren’t the stars and stripes the best? Signed, Puzzled Little Lady in Tacoma.

Photo by Bermix Studio on Unsplash

Dear Puzzled,

I understand how you might be confused, as the red, white and blue is indeed the greatest flag in the history of the universe.

But Little Lady, a little mansplanation and you will see clearly again.

“It no longer represents democracy and freedom. It no longer represents ALL of us. It’s not fair to be forced to honor it,” Macy Gray wrote about the flag.

Well, Ms. Gray, I am sorry to inform you, it is your absolute duty to honor the American flag. It’s in the law of the land. …


Would appreciate notes. Yours, Cos.

Wikimedia

It’s true, Bill Cosby, recently released from prison, is planning a triumphant comeback comedy tour. Truth is strange. Fiction? Not even close.

Anyhow, we were able to hack a first draft of his comedy set. Tell the Cos what you think.

NOTE TO SELF: Bill, try not to look like a rapist. Adopt the demeanor of an innocent man. Don’t listen to those voices in your head saying, “But you are a rapist.” The Supreme Court has ruled. You are not!

First Joke:

So…I was having sex the other day and I said to my partner, honey, you’re snoring.

(Wait for laughter…


Because being hit on by real old guys is not creepy enough

Photo by Foto Sushi on Unsplash

So yeah, my creators made me with grey hair because a lot of young ladies are attracted to silver foxes. I also have a little grey soul patch because the designers thought that was a little creepier than bare-faced.

Also, they gave me a smug expression which makes the whole experience of being hit on by me even more interesting for you — I look like I’m actually doing you a favor by bugging you.

They also gave me thoughts, which is a real breakthrough in AI.

For the first time, a robot — me — has been able to…


By Shaggy

rooners72TP FLikr

It was definitely fun. We were hippie teenagers, four of us and my dog Scoobie, driving around in the Mystery Machine and solving mysteries.

“And we woulda gotten away with it,” said the culprits, when we finally solved the mysteries, “if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids.”

Well, I’m not a kid any more. It’s time for me to hang up my detective sneakers and drop out of Mystery Inc.

Especially now that I opened my big mouth and seconded Mumford & Sons’ banjo player Winston Marshall’s endorsement of that book by Andy Ngo that criticized Antifa.

“Ruh-oh, Raggy,”…

Simon Black

This is not the Simon Black that you know. This is a different Simon Black. He does not work in your organization or live in your city.

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