It was great. At first.

Photo by Artem Podrez from Pexels

“Ding dong!” I would say, and then: “UPS. I need a signature on this package.” Then I would pantomime giving my wife a pen, but instead I would give her my “package,” if you know what I mean.

“Hello,” I would say as the pizza delivery guy. “I believe you ordered this extra-large special.” Then I would show her my “extra-large special,” if you catch my drift.

Yeah, it wasn’t Stanislavsky over here at 33 Morning Glory Boulevard. I was really kind of phoning it in. I used more or less the same voice for every character, because I’m lazy.


Or just an alcoholic?

Photo by Kike Salazar N on Unsplash

It’s tough to know, isn’t it? I mean, think of these difficult questions:

— Do you really need a 375-dollar William Yeoward Crystal Adele Cocktail Shaker with Strainer?

Answer: Yes, because I can pawn that sucker and buy enough hooch to last me till the end of this bender.

Question: — Do you really care about your gin being infused with botanicals as well as a combination of other spices, including anise, angelica root and seed, orris root, licorice root, cinnamon, almond, cubeb, savory, or lime peel?

Answer: Um…you had me at gin…

Question: — Aren’t all Manhattans perfect?

Answer…


To hell with the high road. Let’s call it like it is.

teenavi.com

Unity shmunity!

My son was reading me some really hilarious conservative t-shirts from some website he found. I’m a commie bastard but these did give me a chuckle. And it made me think, our t-shirts suck. I blame Michele, she said when they go low, we go high. That’s the nice sentiment that got Trump elected once and almost twice. It’s time for us good guys to take the gloves off and really take the piss out of these fascist pigs that call themselves conservatives and violate the United States Congress with their putrid stench. Let’s let em have it, come on…


It’s no more Mr. Nice Guy for me when it comes to language.

Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash

I’m frankly tired of it — all these vagaries of proper English. Next time frickin Grammarly tells me to stick in a damn comma before the third and final member of a series, I’m gonna throw this god damned computer out the window, you hear me? Why? Three reasons — it’s stupid, wasteful and a pain in my ass. See? I didn’t put the Oxford comma there. Did it in any way inhibit the comprehension of that statement? Didn’t think so.

Also, afterwards.

This is what will happen “afterwards.”

That’s right motherfuckers, I’m leaving in the s and I’m typing afterwards. …


(It’s genius!)

Photo by Adrien Olichon on Unsplash

A lot of people get really worn out trying to clean their gutters every spring. It’s tiring and boring and tedious and it sucks.

But you no longer need to worry about cleaning your gutters. I’m here with six genius suggestions of things to do instead of cleaning gutters (they’re genius!)

1. Take a nap!

Look, we all need to catch up on our sleep. Scientists have proven with extensive research studies that taking a nap is a lot more restful than doing chores. So lie down on that couch and catch some zzz’s. The gutters can wait.

2. Wach some Tik Tok!

“You’re much better off watching Tik…


British liberals kinda happy about Brexit all of a sudden

Photo by Kristina G. on Unsplash

Who woulda thunk it? Nigel Farage turns out to be the savior of Old Blighty. Thanks to his forward-thinking insane British Nationalism which foisted a whole lotta lies on the daft British public, the nation has been saved.

The rest of Europe, not so much.

Brussels, in all its bureaucratic idiocy, has pronounced the dreadful Astra Zeneca vaccine, which apparently not only clots your blood but may indeed turn you into a Euro globalist zombie, worth the risk.

“We are firmly convinced the benefits of AstraZeneca vaccine outweigh the risks,” declared Euro Medicines chief yesterday.

And the benefit of the EU still outweighs the risk too, I suppose, according to this twisted logic. Sure, you risk giving…


In good condition, slight scratch from bullet that only grazed the surface, hardly noticeable

Wikimedia Commons License

I, on the other hand, am not in great condition. I’m on the run and my stomach is bleeding.

It’s going to be a bit tricky meeting up. I don’t really have an address right now. I’m willing to come to your place, but as I am armed and considered dangerous, you’re probably not going to want that.

I do also have a doggie bag from Il Pistaio restaurant. It’s the Scooglio, which is basically spaghetti and clam sauce. I can actually show you how to make that for about four bucks, you don’t need to spend the 30 I…


We must all wake up from the trance of unworthiness — NOW!!! — before it actually kills us.

Photo by Mike Marrah on Unsplash

Of course, I have no idea about what was really going on with the golfing legend before his accident this week. But reports state he was driving too fast, late for an appointment with two football quarterbacks who were legends themselves.

Maybe if he was late for an appointment with some “regular” people, he might not have felt the need for such speed — who knows?

But what it seems to imply is that he felt bad about being late. When you see someone driving like a maniac racing to get somewhere, you just sense their feeling of unworthiness or…


Toyota’s plans include self-driving cars, robots and AI homes, Chevy’s city will have “beer, country music, and church”

Toyota has begun with construction on the world’s first smart city. The city is being built at the base of Japan’s Mount Fuji, and will be named “Woven City.” In Japanese, that’s called Ūbunshiti. That’s right, it’s pronounced You Bun Shitty. The shitty city will be powered by hydrogen fuel cells and it is reported the city will be fully sustainable and something that lunatic AOC and her squad would probably like and pay a trillion dollars for.

The smart city is now under construction and will be fully sustainable (Image: Toyota)

There will be all…

Simon Black

This is not the Simon Black that you know. This is a different Simon Black. He does not work in your organization or live in your city.

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